reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
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You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.