Not helping
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[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”