Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
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Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen