You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
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Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
and now we wait
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Do one person every day that scares you.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
My what?
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is