Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
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Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Me in tagged photos
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Flowers bee like
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.