You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
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I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
For the orator and chef in all of us
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
How did we not see this back then?
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.