Genius idea!!
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my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
me as a parent
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.