Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
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Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.