I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
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me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t