Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
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This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.