I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
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“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.