hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
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Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
This meal prepping shit easy
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.