Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
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Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.