What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
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Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
nice challenge
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember