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ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy