What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
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1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”