DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
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[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go