Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
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God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Well. That’s not a good sign.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand