[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
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Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii