friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
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I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD