The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
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Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
wtf is a larm clock?
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”