(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
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If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.