If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
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My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
A new level of troll.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!