Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
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Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
can I use a minion as a tampon
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Oops I deleted….
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
happy valentine’s day to me
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.