I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
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“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
*sewing*
A thread
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine