“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
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Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Worth the read.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
A friend sent me this.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine