5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
You Might Also Like
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.