It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
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Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators