My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
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Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill