[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
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wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.