Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
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If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs