Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
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Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target