GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
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How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up