Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
You Might Also Like
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Me if I was a dog
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED