girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
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Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.