I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
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idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
why would tinder want me to say this
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start