What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
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INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show