A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
You Might Also Like
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.