“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
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I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager