me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
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Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Barbie gone wild
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware