Some Things Never Change đ
#archaeohistories
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Itâs bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days weâll stay alive.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
âI trust him as far as I can throw him.â
Oh and weâre supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Twitter fine art
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which Iâm currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so Iâll give them a pass this time
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
HIM: âLicense and registration.â
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: âHave a good day, sir.â
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went âI wanna say these areâŚribs?â
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: Itâs a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: Itâs an O. Youâre both blind.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: Itâs âyou have bags under your eyesâ but you donât have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.