We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
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“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex