According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
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The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Discuss
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I enjoy a good short stor
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
This dude got his own movie?
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own