Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
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Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty