Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
You Might Also Like
#FunnyLife Insects
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
The photographer’s assistant
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
pls suprot
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.