Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
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In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.