You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
You Might Also Like
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…