Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
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Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
not to brag, but mine was free