Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
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4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Why am I like this?
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
me: my friends:
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10