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ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My purse is deeper than some people.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.